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17th-Mar-2011 10:23 am - what am i looking for?
Song of the Stars
Dear Self,

Stop doing this to her. You know its what you want, but you're never going to learn to stop running away. Stop putting her heart at risk. If you love her like you say you do, cut the shit. Seriously. No matter what she says, you know she deserves better. The fall WILL be better, but don't you dare try to start anything yet :| I will severely hate you.

Love yourself before you love others. Its not fair to any one else.

After Friday, you can just stop thinking for a few days. Think about that stuffed animal you have to make over break. Not much more homework left...

Oh, and please get organized this upcoming week. Your house looks like a pre-k art center.... Run by two year olds.

Can't you remember what makes you happy? :| Seriously, find something to live for. Make a list or something. When you're done with homework, that is. I think you're forgetting what makes you tick.

Go get that chai tea latte today, too, please.

Also, stop pretending to be so damn happy all the time. I think it's annoying. We both know you aren't.

Listen to some music today too, please? For yourself? You haven't in a while. What is wrong with you.

That is all.

-Your Conscience

---
I've been burned before
You're not fooling me, there's no mystery,
You've forgotten what you're hiding for
Call it self defense, you can obfuscate and manipulate, but it's only at your own expense.

Easy - Barenaked Ladies
---
From the balcony, you call my name
I see you standing in the rain
Your words so dry, your face so wet
Said I broke your heart,
But it hasn't happened yet
I'll bet, your friends all hate me now
I get the strangest looks,
From that bitchy crowd
And though, they must think
They have every reason to
I guess I'm still not quite yet over you~

Does This Mean You're Moving On - Airborne Toxic Event


Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow~

Rolling in the Deep - Adele


Single book of matches,
Gonna burn what's standing in the way,
Roaring down the mountain,
Now they're calling on the fire brigade.
Bury all the pictures, and tell the kids that I’m okay,
If'n I’m forgotten,
You'll remember me for today.
I won't ever be your cornerstone.
All the black inside me is slowly seeping from the bone,
Everything I cherish is slowly dying or it’s gone~

Pyro - Kings of Leon

---
Wait, I'm wrong
Should have done better than this
Please, I'll be strong
I'm finding it hard to resist...
Save me, I'm lost
Oh lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost.
Don't let go,
I've wanted this far too long
Mistakes become regrets
I've learned to love abuse
Please show me what I'm looking for...
Save me, I'm lost
Just save me from being confused
Wait, I'm wrong
I can't do better than this
But I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused, and
Show me what I'm looking for~

Show Me What I'm Looking For - Carolina Liar
He's Alive
If your pet were a person, what occupation would they choose?


Hockey player. Or something.

My cat is on the heavier side and she's a tad lazy, but when you throw her kibble into the air, she catches it with both paws and then brings it to her mouth to eat. Or, if you slide some kibble across the floor at a high speed with her on the other side of the room, she backhands it back, like a goalie.

Talent.
I've Said Too Much
I can make a relationship work.

I'm not incapable, it's not like, super hard or anything. I was good at it, I think, when I was dating Krista. I think I made her happy. She said I did, so...

Liz is telling everyone that shows interest in me "good luck, don't bother, she looks, likes, and moves on".

I just get scared, I guess. I worry that its not right, that I'm messing things up, that I'm /going/ to mess things up, that I'm not good enough...

I have something called body dismorphic disorder. I think it stems from all of my medical issues that I've had... Factor in some periodic depression and low self esteem, and there ya go.

It's been causing me so, so, soooo much pain these past few months...

It's brought on a bought of anorexia. I've lost about 30 pounds since fall of '09, so a little over a year. I weigh 106 right now, and I'm stillll unhappy with my appearance. People say I'm thin, but I seriously, in 100 percent full honesty, do NOT see it. At all. And I guess that comes with the disorder, but I don't see how everyone else can see what I don't, and its right in front of me.

I don't want to blame anyone but myself for my break-up with Krista, because it really was me, fully me. I doubted things. I didn't believe in myself. I got scared. I started feeling, thinking maybe, just maybe she was staying with me because I'm her only option. Because really, she's like, a super model next to me. I used to "model" for her and send her pictures, and she said she loved them, so I usually sent more. But what she didn't know was that I felt (and feel) that I looked so. incredibly. terrible. in all of them. I'm never happy with how I look, but I never say anything to anyone. How far would that get me? It'd get me a few "oh stop it, you look fine" 's, and maybe a few "you're just saying that so people can tell you otherwise" 's, but I don't want that. I don't want anyyy of that negative or even positive attention. I want to live with this alone and not be called an attention seeker, because I'm not, I promise you, I'm not doing it or saying these things for attention... Its all real, and I hate it...

And that's just /one/ of my issues.

I didn't acknowledge until a few months ago, around christmas actually, that I'm a /lot/ more messed up than I thought I was, and that I really, really need help...

I hate asking for help. I like to pretend that I have it all together, because if I pretend, sometimes things do go my way, and I feel fine. I don't want to be one of "those" people. One of "those" people on anti-depressants. One of "those" people seeing a psychiatrist, someone no one wants to be around because they're thought of as crazy or attention-seekers or "acting out" or weird. I don't want to be that person ;;

And that's the other thing. Why the hell would she want to stay with me if I'm so unstable? She doesn't. deserve. that. at. all.

Which is why I called things off... I don't even remember what I told her ;; I was so caught up in this huge blast of insecurity and emotion and no one was here and I couldn't talk and I seized up...

I think I'm one hell of an actor, let me tell you, for having made it this far and allowing people to think I'm a-okay.

I'm far, far from it...
3rd-Mar-2011 05:11 pm - fml
He's Alive
Maybe misery after a break-up takes a few months to set in... For me.

All I've been thinking about is her. I can't stop. And when I stop, it all comes back to me again when I see a 22 or even a 7. And I've been seeing 722 everywhere here in Cali. Everyfreakingwhere.

Everything from license plates to clocks to restaurant signs to shirts to just... Everything. Everyday. Multiple times a day.

DID I MENTION THERE ARE A SHIT TON OF PURPLE FLOWERS IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.

Its driving me crazy ;; My heart sinks every time I see something that reminds me of us, or her, or things I used to do to make her smile...

That. ;; I keep seeing things that I want to take pictures of and send to her, because I /know/ they'll make her smile, maybe even tear up, but they would all be so suggestive, like, "hey, I miss you baby, let's get back together" or something like that. And I don't don't don't want it to be like that... :ccc

I used to ignore it all, really. I always saw stuff that reminded me of us, but I was encouraged to let it go. Shake it off. "It will be like that for a while." "Don't think so much into it." "That's common, its not something that only you two shared."

But this trip, its so overwhelming, and there's so much time to think.

Even on the Sony Studios tour, set 7 and set 22 were RIGHT next to each other. In giant painted numbers, taller than me. 7 22. I nearly died. I gave up trying to fight it right there. I gave up denying that I'm better off. Because what if I'm not? But what if I am? But then why why why am I seeing all these signs? Why can't I stop thinking about her? Why do I want to cry every time I see something that reminds me of her that really pulls at my heart? Why am I constantly looking for items that I would buy for her. Why, when I saw the "long live LA" shirt with Batman on it was I so freaking tempted to buy it for her sister?

And I know, I know in my heart that I'm not missing her just because I'm lonely. I miss /her/, and how things used to be. But I fucked it all up, like always...

She'd probably never take me back, anyway. I shouldn't even be thinking about this ._. And I don't want to confuse her. I don't want to get into something with her again that I know I eventually won't be able to handle, like freaking always...

Whywhywhywhywhy.

I've been writing a journal about my trip all day today, which I'll be posting later. But I had to write this out, because it's all I've been thinking about...

Its just like the movie.

"...and then I realize, I'm completely alone..."

Damnit.
Song of the Stars
I'm on the plane from Milwaukee to San Diego.

It's about 6:45, and the sun is starting to set over the west. We've been in the air for about 2 hours now... I'm not in the window seat, I'm in the center, but it looks like maybe we're flying over Colorado, toward Vegas. But I could be completely wrong.

When I went to Anaheim in '06 with school for a competition, we flew over Colorado, and all I saw was hills and valleys and crags, mountains and jagged rivers flowing like veins through the body of the state. We flew in the early afternoon then, and for most of our trip, the skies were cloudless.

The sun is setting over the west. We're high above the clouds. I see the bright, crystal blue sky encompassing me, looking over the shoulders of those who have fallen asleep around me. The clouds are nearly eye-level, slightly below me, a wonderful, beautiful shade of sorbet orange and lilac, with shades of pink serving as the shadows along the creases in the puffs. There are no shadows up here. There's no darkness. Its quiet. Serene. You don't see the people on the street rushing everywhere. You don't hear them complaining about their terrible lives, their terrible surroundings, their misfortunes and misunderstandings. You're floating. You're alone with your thoughts... You, in a sense, are free.

Only if you allow yourself to be, that is.

Of those that haven't fallen asleep around me, some are business men on trips for their work. They're working, hovering over their laptops and iPads and palm pilots, researching and reviewing and preparing for whatever their destinations require of them. Their minds are busy with thought. Clouded with expectations and perceptions and anticipation. Focused on getting to where they need to be, doing what they need to do, and then heading home.

There are children. Babies and toddlers and school-agers, all bustling with excitement for being on the plane in the first place, all cringing with fear with every slight bump from the wind it takes. Their parents talk about the itinerary of their trips. Disneyland. Legoland. Beaches and piers and sunshine, no snow. They talk about our destination, doing what they're leaving town to do, and talking about their return home. The schoolwork and daycare routines when they plan to return to some normalcy.

I sit here, and I'm empty. My mind is at peace. I'm not thinking about home. I'm not thinking about my vacation. I'm not thinking about much of anything. I'm taking it all in. The odd, unexpected feeling of inner peace. The sudden burst of mental weightlessness. The clouds. Oh, the clouds... They're now a dark, deep and vibrant shade of hot cranberry pink, and we're flying over snow-capped mountains...

Mountains. They seem overbearing and overwhelming when you're on the ground standing in front of them. Monstrous. Defiant. Difficult and large and just a burden all together. Figuring out a way to climb them and reach the top would be an incredible challenge. But from up here, its like I can step over them. And climbing them? Ha, it looks easy. I see one way up, and that's up. I see one way down, and that's down. It looks so easy. So freaking easy.

A problem seems like a problem if you're looking at it from one standpoint. One way. One direction. It's a problem because its difficult, not because its easy. And at first, you don't know how to overcome it. Maybe it takes a while. A few days, weeks, months, years...Maybe you never figure it out. But... How many of the things that we see as actual problems /really/ matter in the long run? How many answers are /right/ there, if only you looked at that problem a different way?...

We're flying over the Rockies right now. Or at least that's what I'm being told by my brother. He's no geographical expert, nor am I... But I believe him, nonetheless.

I don't know. I just feel so free up here. Kids are crying and people are talking and laughing and working and eating and drinking and snoring and I have completely tuned them out. Its just me, and my thoughts. And I like it. A lot.

I don't know why it takes a plane ride to make me feel like I'm on top of the world... But maybe its because, in all reality, I actually am...?

Everything is just so peaceful and beautiful up here...

----

I keep trying to post from the LJ Mobile site, and it says my posts are successful, and then I get to the website on my mobile browser and, lo and behold, nothing was posted.

I typed this entry up in the notes section of my phone yesterday afternoon on my flight, so I'm just copying and pasting and re-posting it.

I'm gonna type up another entry in a bit about today's events. I've had a lottt on my mind...
He's Alive
Somewhere, beyond the sea
Somewhere... waitin' for me
My lover stands on golden sands
And watches the ships that go sailin'

Somewhere beyond the sea
She's there watchin' for me
If I could fly like birds on high
Then straight to her arms I'd go sailin'

It's far beyond the star
It's near beyond the moon
I know beyond a doubt
My heart will lead me there soon

We'll meet beyond the shore
We'll kiss just as before
Happy we'll be, beyond the sea
And never again I'll go sailin'

I know beyond a doubt,
My heart will lead me there soon
We'll meet, I know we'll meet
Beyond the shore
We'll kiss just as before
Happy we'll be, beyond the sea
And never again I'll go sailin'

(No more sailin')
(So long sailin')
(Byebye sailin')

---

Its songs like this, and nights like this sitting here feeling alone in this italian restaurant where all I want more than anything in the world is for you to be here with me, sharing a cliche bowl of spaghetti and leaving to go home to our cozy, mediocre apartment to cuddle on our stupid 50 dollar thrift-store couch to watch lady and the tramp, because I know you would watch it with me, and I know you'd keep me warm, and I know you'd cure the loneliness the second I catch sight of your beautiful honey-baked eyes.

This. More than anything right now. I'd trade one night with you for my whole freaking week in cali. Just one night...
19th-Feb-2011 01:51 pm(no subject)
He's Alive
I'm at Mayfair binge shopping for my California trip. That's normal, right?

9ish days before I'm in 70 degree weather and nonstop sunshine <3

Though I really can't complain... The weather here in Wisconsin has been pretty sweet lately. Lots of sunshine today, which is wonderful :)

I hate waiting in long lines and listening to people complain about how cheap/expensive/dirty/loud/crowded this mall is. Uh, excuse me... Since when are malls /not/ crowded? On a freaking Saturday afternoon? Really? And if the clothes you're buying are too expensive and you don't wanna spend the money... Don't buy anything. Easy solution! And this mall isn't dirty. Its pretty nice. It could be so much worse. Spoiled brats :|

For about 80 bucks, so far I've gotten:

-a new swim suit
-3 long sleeve shirts
-3 tanks
-3 shirts
-1 pair of super comfy yoga pants

I think that's pretty damn good, if you ask me. There are some pretty good deals in the mall today. And its not like I'm skimping either... This is good stuff.

Random LJ entry while in line at PacSun is random.

....Crap, there were shirts in the front that I wanted to get :| Fudge.
17th-Feb-2011 07:50 pm - well...
He&#39;s Alive
I guess its nights like these when I truly realize:

Some things will never change.



...And that's such a fucking shame.....so disheartening...
8th-Feb-2011 07:14 pm - lightbulb.
He&#39;s Alive
I had a lightbulb moment.

So I have this huge fear of social/interpersonal communication. I don't like talking to people in depth about myself and who I am or where I've been. I generally don't welcome someone to get to know me or spend time with me. I'm not sure why, and trust me, I'd love to be the opposite. I mean, I talk to people easily, I don't mind meeting new people, but when the conversation starts to get deep, or questions about me are asked, I don't like to talk. Fkhjkfghjg. I'm so weird. Communication is a huge freaking part of human nature and I avoid it when it has to do with me. I can sit and talk to people at work all day long about their meds and things like that but when the tables get turned back to me, I'm like... Awkwardly nervous. No clue why. Grr.

BUT TODAY!

About five minutes ago, actually.
Some guy about my age was waiting for the bus back to Waukesha from our school, just like me, and he was all "..........wellhai >u>" and started up this huge conversation about our school and classes and whatever. We got into where we went to high school and what programs we're in now and things like that. Hopped on the bus, he sat across from me, and we pretty much bantered back and forth until he got off at his stop. And I was fine.

I wanna know what it is about certain people that just... Doesn't weird me out :| Like this kid, SOOO freakin easy to talk to. Interesting part here, though: he mentioned that the only reason he's taking the bus these days is because he can't drive. He can't drive because he doesn't have a car. He doesn't have a car because he "got into some trouble" and doesn't live at home anymore. So... Do I feel comfortable talking to people that tell me outright they aren't perfect? People that aren't self absorbed and have actually been around the block a time or two? People I can feel equal to, or even better than? People that I know I won't have to impress?

Better yet, does feeling this way make me seem like a total bitch? 'Cause really, I'm not. Its just a matter of who I'm comfortable taking to, I guess.

Eh, random thought of the day.

...Blackberry needs an LJ app. Its a pain typing in the browser.

Home now, and if I touch my nose right now it might just crack off. Too flippin cold out there to be walking a mile in it :|
6th-Feb-2011 08:33 am - better days lie ahead.
He&#39;s Alive
So my mom took me for ice cream.

She called me on her way home the other night, and I'm pretttyyy sure she could just /tell/ I was in a terrible mood. So she gets home and sees how much of the house I had cleaned and went:

"o_o...............letsgogeticecream."

And we went out for pizza at Mama Mia's (which just so happens to be one of my favorite pizza places in the area... Suchhh good pizza.) and got their spumoni (sp?) for dessert. I was able to calm down a tad and am now fine.

I can't really pinpoint what made me feel so angry the other day. I'm never an angry person, like, ever. That's not in my personality, I guess. But I'm thinking it was moreso built-up frustration leading to a much needed day of experiencing a feeling that I never feel. So yeah.

But today is better. I'm pretty much determined to just drop everything and focus on me. Granted, I've been trying to do that for the last month, and I've succeeded, but I just lost focus last week I guess.

So today, I woke up early and cleaned my bathroom and had a huge freaking cup of chocolate milk for breakfast, and it was amazing. Its one of those carnation instant breakfast things and I love those. So that was a plus. I went online and checked my grades and I'm acing all my classes. Extra happiness points. I started laundry and was folding clothes and watching Mama Mia. More happy points. Then Liz picked me up and we went to Olive Garden out in Brookfield. Our meal was great (as usual) and now we're just driving around and talking and singing. We picked up our new friend Ashley from work, and now we're going back to my place to watch a movie. Yes, I'm texting this whole thing while we're in the car.

Ashley is this girl that we know through work. Liz introduced us one night when we went out bowling. She knows her through the military or something like that. Well Ashley is just... Great. She's cute and funny and down to earth and realistic about things and just really, really great... But she likes Liz :| FFF I CAN NEVER WIN I TELL YOU.

So I've been writing this as the day goes on... We're done with the movie and they're leaving and I'm gonna go back to doing laundry and stuff. We watched Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist fkhjfkh<3

About the David situation... He's so freakin into me and I feel bad that I can't pick who I like, and I don't like him like that. I shut him out completely because he wouldn't leave me alone, and now he's pissed. Y'know what's weird? Every time that I've told him that I'm not really feeling it, or that I just want to be with friends and family and that I don't feel like spending time with him, he's fought me on it. I don't think I've ever had anyone fight me like that before, aside from Liz, maybe. And that's why Liz and I are still best friends... Everyone else usually just... Lets go. Or they back down, or they're like "eh, she'll come back..." (But I usually don't.) Which, having people be that way is fine, but its weird to have someone fight for me to be in their life, I guess. I don't know how to word that in a way that will make me sound like I'm not an attention seeker, because I'm probably the farthest thing from that. But yeah. He's fighting to keep me, and Liz is the only one that's ever done that. Interesting...

Well, Liz left and I showered and everything, continued laundry, and might clean up my bathroom a little more. Its sooo clean already but yay for perfectionistic tendencies :|

The superbowl is on tonight. Aka good commercials are on tonight and food will be served. YESSSS.

....Uh... Go packers?

/random
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